Jokes thread
After standing in line at the Dept of Motor Vehicles for what felt like eons, my brother finally got to the counter. As the clerk typed his nameinto the computer, she said, "That's odd." "What's...
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A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store. His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful...
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Debbi approached the garbage with a pair of shoes whose bottoms had worn through. Showing them to Anna, 13, Debbi remarked, "I think it's time for these to go, wouldn't you say?" Anna didn't miss a...
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Begging A guest at dinner noticed the small family dog looking hungrily at every bite she took. Finally she took a small piece of meat from her plate and held it up for him. "Speak!" she said to the...
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I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
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A redneck boy came home from class and his redneck father asked, "What did you learn in algebra class today, son?" "Well, I learned Pi R Square," replied the boy. "Now, hold on there son," he quickly...
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George had invited the pastor and his wife for dinner, and it was little Joey's job to set the table. But when it came time to eat, Joey's mother said with surprise, "Why didn't you give Mrs. Brown a...
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As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on pets. That changed when a kitten adopted me. The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret....
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While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board. I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge...
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Helping me sort clothes into "save" and "give away" piles, My six-year-old daughter came across a garter belt. "What's This?" she asked. "It's a garter belt," I said. Seeing that meant nothing to Her,...
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A distraught senior citizen Phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the...
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Last week when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. 'This is the 21st century, my son said. 'I don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad .' I can tell you this, that damn fly...
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After standing in line at the Dept of Motor Vehicles for what felt like eons, my brother finally got to the counter. As the clerk typed his name into the computer, she said, "That's odd." "What's...
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It's my wife's birthday tomorrow." "What are you getting her?" "Last week, I asked her what she wanted for her birthday." "And?" "Her exact words were, 'Oh, I don't know. Just give me something with...
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The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from eating too much pi. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an...
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Cool...! Say, did you hear the one about the guy who blew up his own Yuku board??
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Deep Thoughts for Children From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."...I believe you should live each day as if it is your...
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